What would your resume look like if you wanted to apply to be a sex coach?
Eight years celibate is a long time! I am almost a virgin again. Isn’t that how it works – the number of years you had sex minus the number of years you haven’t? I used to think it was only the guys that were horny fucks. Then I met single women in their 40’s. My God! If you are a single man, take out five single women in their 40’s and probably three of them will have sex with you if you get them drunk enough (not at the same time).
So, I want a sex coach, any takers? I don’t even know what good sex is. My sex life existed of one fumbling idiot, one drunken frat boy, and a man too old for me who had a problem getting it up. I am 40 years old and have had sex maybe two dozen times. That is very sad. Isn’t it? I know nothing. I have watched porn, but after seeing a woman try to suck two oversized cocks, I kinda got turned off.
What are the qualifications to be a sex coach? Here is what a resume would look like if you were to apply for this job, to work for me.
  • School…I want an Ivy League guy. Has to be creative and intelligent. He has to know where to look and really want it.
  • Skills…medium size cock. Contrary to what porn movies will tell you, most women do not want a huge schlongs in their faces. Trim and clean fingernails, and a strong tongue. You have to be able to manage stamina (relatively healthy), and clean. Everything else is gravy. Did I mention clean?
  • Experience…I don’t want to know that you have been with anyone in your past, but impress me with your wit and charm. Be nice and gentle, but have the ability to be rough. Compliment me, and tell the truth. A gift of flowers, especially unexpected ones speak to my heart and tell my loins, “get ready to open up.”
  • Extra curricular…You have to be busy, like me, but always make time to see me. Make me feel like I am a priority. You can do that can’t you?
I am looking for a sex partner coach that will also be my lover, my best friend and my husband.
Are you looking too? Are you bored with your marital sex life? What if you hired a sex coach?
A quick search in my area for a sex coach resulted in The Center for Intimacy & Sexual Heath. I like her disclaimer, “Sex therapy is NOT about having sex in the office.”
Aren’t coaches supposed to give you pointers? How can they do that if they aren’t there? No video playback to rewind and make corrections.
I want to approach this next phase of my life as an experiment. If you want to be my coach, what would you do to me? How would it work?
What do you know about me? What about my body? My body is special and probably different from anyone else that you have met. Imagine it is a new machine and you need to find out where my buttons are. HINT: There is no giant green “on” switch. Sorry boys, it is buried deep inside my head. Why bother? Too much trouble, right? Go get one of those easy girls. Or a blow up doll.
For me, I am waiting for the one guy that will be with me for the rest of my life. I get lonely sometimes waiting and think I cannot wait another day, but then I wake up, go to work, do my job, come home, and remember I am alone again.
If you are in a lonely marriage, try to fix it before you break up. Pray for a miracle. Don’t get divorced unless there is no hope or the relationship is toxic. If you feel like you are dying, get out, but otherwise, try. Do whatever it takes. Start dating again. Pretend. Be creative.
If you are like me, and waiting for your marriage miracle to show up, pray with me.
Dear God,
Thank you that today I will feel loved and thank you that when I have sex, it will be mindblowing. Thank you that I will have world class orgasms that are worthy of writing about. Thank you that there is a partner for me that wants to teach me, but also learn about me and that I feel comfortable sharing what I like and don’t like. Thank you for the patience to wait for this perfect relationship. Perfect sex, is that too much to ask for? No. You say, ask for anything in my name and it will be given to you (John 14:13-14). In the name of Jesus, I ask for a sex coach who is also my sex partner, my forever friend.  I ask for the best sex ever.
I am going to get it too.
Amen.
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