I am trying not to complain, but these are the hardest days. They are the almost Christmas days and I am alone…again. How can I be at peace during the holiday season when everyone around me is going to be spending time with their loved ones? How can I go to church on Christmas Eve with hundreds of families all gathering together for this “happy” occasion?

God, the memory of being alone last Christmas Eve is unbearably sad. The thought of being alone again with others celebrating is very painful.

I go to church on average three Sundays per month. I don’t go out of guilt. I go because I actually believe. I actually feel spiritually fed when I go. I feel grateful to God because I have been forgiven of all my past mistakes. God is like my father, he loves me and wants to give me the desires of my heart. “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Mark 11:24

“And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19

It is true that sometimes, even in the midst of trouble, I feel truly blessed. I will tell you three things.

  1. This year, the Cheesecake Factory opened in my city. I really wanted to go, but didn’t think I would be able to afford it. Then I was invited enjoy a free dinner on opening weekend, October 13, 2016.
  2. I have always wanted to write sketch comedy and I love watching comedians. I love to laugh. On October 14, 2016, I was invited to join a sketch comedy writing group and got free tickets to a stand-up comedy show on December 7, 2016.
  3. This summer, I told my boys that I wanted a farm in Vermont. On July 26th, I wrote down that prayer asking God for it. I was thinking that I would have it years from now. Then on November 20th, I was asked to come and stay on a farm in Vermont. I went on December 10th and am going on January 12, 2017 to stay through the end of February.

There have been many little blessings too. So, I show my gratitude by worshiping Him through communal prayers and songs of praise.

This Christmas is supposed to be a celebration, but It won’t feel much like a celebration this year without my best friend, that man who will sit next to me and hold my hand.

Every week, I light a candle for him. I know God wants to bless him too.

I try not to complain, but I am tired. God, I’m asking you to show up this Christmas. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I believe in You. I trust in You. I am hurting. I don’t want to be alone in church. If you want me to go, please put a burden on his heart to want to take me. I ask in the name of Jesus, please give me a Christmas miracle. Please don’t make me go to church alone on Christmas. Amen